Are You a Good Listener?
This past Sunday, after my Sacred Sunday class, a student told me, with tears in her eyes, how much my message about the power of listening deeply touched her.
She felt she was never listened to as a child, but now she realizes she isn't listening well enough to her daughter or husband, which is creating distance in their relationships.
I chose to speak about the power of listening well to each other because, in the winter, the ears are energetically part of the water element. In Chinese medicine, the ears are the sense door to the kidneys.
Winter is a quiet time in nature. When it's still, we can hear more and tap into our intuition, which is strongest in the winter. When we are led by intuition, we sense when someone needs our attention. This often requires us to be quiet and listen to them, to the meaning behind their words.
Asteya, meaning non-stealing, is one of the Yamas, or disciplines in the eightfold path of yoga. When we truly listen, are we fully present, or are we turning their stories around to focus on us? When we hear someone speak of something exciting, do we feel excited for them or immediately trump them by telling them we’ve been there or done that and focus on our experience?
Are we stealing the focus and attention back to us?
Or are we not paying attention? How guilty are we for looking at our phones or computers when someone is telling us something and semi-ignoring them? It’s a subtle way of discounting them, leaving them feeling like they’re not important enough for our full attention.
Our hearing is distorted by the filters of what we fear or want.
Our wants affect how open the aperture is in our conversations. In a recent discussion, did we want that person to have a particular impression of us? Did we want their approval? Or did we want to prove something? Did we want to be right? Or fix something? Wherever there’s wanting, it tightens us and narrows our listening.
In mindfulness training, to listen better, there are three steps:
An intention to listen, understand and connect
Pay attention to our judgments, fears, and the urge to fix them with kindness, as listening is often all that's needed.
Offer a loving presence with others as an anchor so we don’t get lost in our thoughts and fears. Breathe and listen. Breath is a great anchor that keeps us present. And to know that there’s time to offer advice later. For now, it's time to listen and deepen our attention.
When someone is angry and expressing it toward us, listening to what is behind their anger is often an unmet need. If we tap into that, we can understand that fear is behind anger. What are they afraid of, and how can we help them feel safe?
Take a moment to reflect on who is a really good listener. There aren’t many that often come to mind. What categorizes good listening? Presence, interest, and empathy; non-interrupting; curious, authentic, silent, and open.
Listening is such an essential skill that requires patience and attention.
Being listened to is a gift. We all have the fundamental need to be seen and heard.
When Someone Deeply Listens To You
By John Fox
When someone deeply listens to you,
it is like holding out a dented cup you’ve had since childhood and watching it fill up with cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim, you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin, you are loved.
When someone listens deeply to you, the room where you stay starts a new life, and the place where you wrote your first poem begins to glow in your mind’s eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!
When someone deeply listens to you, your bare feet are on the earth,
and a beloved land that seemed distant is now at home within you.
Have a wonderful weekend, and may you be well listened to.
From my heart to yours~
Namaste,
Maggie